no.40 on 27
The year’s not over yet, but I feel it closing in. The leaves are turning colors and I already have holiday parties on my calendar. I love this time of year for many reasons, and one is that it brings time to reflect on where I’ve been and where I want to go.
In my 27th year, I feel as if I can finally classify myself as an “adult.” More so than any other year thus far, I’ve felt like a real, live adult human. A woman. A person in charge of their own life, who makes decisions, who pays for their mistakes, who handles adult problems.
I remember my glimpses at adulthood before, things like buying a car, signing for my own health insurance, or living on my own without roommates. Each time I felt I was shedding a layer of my childhood skin. It felt good. In my mind, though, I still knew there were ties keeping me from being the “full adult” I would become.
This year I feel like I’ve made it. I think it’s a result of many areas of my life coming together into one collective feeling of on-my-own-ness. Most recently, the experience that solidified these feelings for me, was the passing of my grandfather. I felt more a part of his illness and death than I had with anyone else. Going through it with my family I was grieving with them and yet supporting them all at the same time. I did things I never thought I had to do before — call, check in, offer money, do things to help plan or take weight off others. They sound a little silly when I write them down, but I found even small things add up to a feeling of ownership and responsibility for the situation.
In my career, I find myself working on projects with increasing importance and value. I’m tasked with things that cost more, have more risk, involve more people, and have higher stakes. It’s when I stop to think of them that it feels scary, like I’m not capable, so I keep moving.
In my relationship I celebrated an engagement. With it, endless conversations on how Nick and I want to structure the rest of our lives. What do we believe in, what do we need to figure out, where will do we want to live, what will it be like to have a family of our own. All these things bring on a whole new wave of “adult” that I haven’t even considered yet. With it, I also realized I have so much yet to face.
I stayed overnight alone with my parents the other weekend. It was the first time I’d done so since I moved out. I always wondered how you could lose the sense of “homeyness” at a family home. When does your room not feel like your room anymore? This time, I felt it. It was comforting and heartwarming to be in the home again, but it wasn’t like it used to be. I had my own home now.
One of the more enjoyable milestones I’ve met is the realization that just because I’m told something or offered advice, doesn’t mean I have to take it anymore. Probably not rocket science, but it felt out of character to me. I am a rule follower for the most part and I don’t like to cross people or do things that hurt or offend others. When I’d be given advice I’d consider it something I needed to act on. Recommended a book and I’d need to read it. Offered a job and I should take it. Made a connection and I should maintain the friendship. All of these small responsibilities I felt I owed to be a right person sometimes weighed heavy on my conscience. This year I realized I didn’t have to accept everything passed my way. Just like a present to a minimalist, I can say thank-you and get rid of it later. I didn’t need to accept everything into my soul. This realization helped me realize my own power and wisdom; that just because someone advises me to do something, doesn’t make them smarter or better or more powerful than me, and it sure doesn’t mean I have to abide.
Maybe this one will be the most relatable, but the final adult aspect I felt this year is that nagging feeling that you never quite make it. Whatever “make it” means. It’s the idea that ooo-yay you did a good job today, in this one instant, but tomorrow will bring another challenge. Or an underlying hunch that things could fall apart in an instant. Or when shit hits the fan, and then again, and then again, and then again…and you’re the only one there to clean it up. Something tells me this is one of the key parts of adulthood, but I suppose time will tell me if that’s true.
Through the good and the bad, I look forward to tumbling through the rest of my life. I am happy and content where I am right now and it feels good to be here with these thoughts right now. I suppose all I wish for myself is to continue on this journey of reflection of where I’m at, hoping I feel content with each moment that goes by.
This post is 40/52 in the project 52 Musings On Life This Far. Thanks for following along on the journey!
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